Femininity.

I created a painting last night... as I painted it  I got lost in thought. I was painting by white xmas string lights, alone in my living room, late into the night. I was frustrated and I restarted the painting a handful of times, covering my work with new colors and shapes while it was all still wet probably why I went to bed with such an ugly set of colors. As the girl formed my thoughts drifted to my body, and my femininity, and my "power" as a woman and how easily that power was taken from me as a girl. I often think of my body in a sort of abstract sense.. or at least not as an object or a way of representing who I am. It's just a vessel I walk around in. I often find myself perplexed with the overwhelming insecurity of others in regards to how people see them, or judge their appearance. I think somewhere in my life I disconnected with my body, at least it's aesthetic appeal. I more want to blend physically, and to not stand out. It's probably rooted from the odd shame I had pushed on me because I hit puberty before I had the maturity or understanding of modesty and sexuality in general. Or because before I was even a teenager I was shown that just by having a body, and breasts, and wearing any sort of clothing, I was somehow enticing men to assault or harass me. And society tells you its your fault, even if you are 10, or 65. Sometimes I feel like my art is a subconscious attempt to reconnect with my innocent femininity, the part of my life that was stolen from me without me ever realizing it. To feel love and empowerment from my womanhood... when I had my son I learned to appreciate my powerful body, though my pregnancy changed my body immensely and I was more attractive in society's eyes anyway, before I had him.... I love myself much more now.. anyway.. I think for me this art actually means something deeper. Both the shame and empowerment of the feminine form.

Thanks for looking.

Inspired.

This Year, I decided I wanted to focus simultaneously  on "beginnings" and on finishing, or at least following through. The idea of learning new things and working on mastering/practicing the things I know. Expressing emotion through skill, gaining understanding of my own creative limits. Renewal, the cyclic nature of the creative process, etc. My stepson suggested I used the symbol Ouroboros for my fous, at first I wasn't convinced and then I read this ....

"often taken to symbolize introspection, the eternal return or cyclicality,^[4] especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself. It also represents the infinite cycle of nature's endless creation and destruction, life and death and despair"

Which to me, sounds like the process of art itself. There are also some cycles in my life I'd like to both finish and begin, some emotional patterns that I'd like to shed away and some things I would like to come into fruition so I can move on to other cycles and goals. 

Aaanyway, my first goal of the year was to find a way to express my art in a more free sense. Expression in a raw way, led by my heart rather than my brain. Well, my natural process is half and half, but I wanted more soul and rawness. And honestly, just something differeng. So I came across Mindy Lacefield's class randomly on Facebook, I saw it was discounted and I've been struggling to find a class that I'd like... I've never done an online course. I love Mindy's style but I've never painted like that, the description of painting from the soul was so alluring, so without further research I asked Rob to buy it for me. It was afterwards that I read the description  and I panicked, omg, I can't do this! Working big, using an easel, acrylic paint! Ah! Anyway, I'm thankful I didn't read the description because my self doubt would have held me back and I'm thankful to this class for giving me a new perspective! I went on a creation frenzy and painted 5 paintings for the first class, here they are. 

I'm really happy with the expressive quality of them, along with the hint of a more Jennie style. Jennie-ish, it's in there somewhere, lol. Anyway you can check out Mindy's class here

 https://www.etsy.com/listing/495843309/let-the-paint-speak-online-class


Happy new year! Let me know if you have a word or focus of the new year!