Femininity.

I created a painting last night... as I painted it  I got lost in thought. I was painting by white xmas string lights, alone in my living room, late into the night. I was frustrated and I restarted the painting a handful of times, covering my work with new colors and shapes while it was all still wet probably why I went to bed with such an ugly set of colors. As the girl formed my thoughts drifted to my body, and my femininity, and my "power" as a woman and how easily that power was taken from me as a girl. I often think of my body in a sort of abstract sense.. or at least not as an object or a way of representing who I am. It's just a vessel I walk around in. I often find myself perplexed with the overwhelming insecurity of others in regards to how people see them, or judge their appearance. I think somewhere in my life I disconnected with my body, at least it's aesthetic appeal. I more want to blend physically, and to not stand out. It's probably rooted from the odd shame I had pushed on me because I hit puberty before I had the maturity or understanding of modesty and sexuality in general. Or because before I was even a teenager I was shown that just by having a body, and breasts, and wearing any sort of clothing, I was somehow enticing men to assault or harass me. And society tells you its your fault, even if you are 10, or 65. Sometimes I feel like my art is a subconscious attempt to reconnect with my innocent femininity, the part of my life that was stolen from me without me ever realizing it. To feel love and empowerment from my womanhood... when I had my son I learned to appreciate my powerful body, though my pregnancy changed my body immensely and I was more attractive in society's eyes anyway, before I had him.... I love myself much more now.. anyway.. I think for me this art actually means something deeper. Both the shame and empowerment of the feminine form.

Thanks for looking.